Friday, November 4, 2011

How to make horrible music

I haven't been writing much about America's Next Top Model this season. While a large part of that is due to a much decreased focus on fashion, it's also because this season is ridiculously horrible. Although...I am still watching it. It plays well to my cynical side, I think, especially since this is the "All-Star" season, bringing back the "best" and "favorite" past contestants. In other words, it's a parade of delusion!

At least one of the judges is officially over it.

This week's episode had the girls writing, recording and creating viral videos (because that is totally something you can force) for songs based around a beat. Oh, and they have to incorporate "pot ledom" ("Top Model" backwards...sooooo clever, right?) into each of their songs. That's made it awkward for Allison, who chose to write her song about her recently deceased father.

The first part of the process involved hearing the beat and writing the lyrics. It was our first glimpse at just how horrible these tunes were going to be. This also served as the episode's challenge, with Lisa, the crazy recovering alcoholic, winning. Apparently, she's actually an aspiring recording artist (God, help us all).

The next stage was recording the song, which showed us that the girls are not just horrible songwriters, they also can't sing! No challenge here, I think they were just setting up to showcase the magic of modern technology.

Finally, they filmed the music video, which showed us that the girls can't write, sing or...model (totally non-required here). But it did prove that the show got their hands on some amazing auto-tune equipment. For the most part, the videos, directed by The Game, fulfilled the basic music video cliches (anyone else remember that show on MTV??); diva hair-whipping, creepy girl on swing, rubbing butt on car and cutesy sitting on bed writing in diary. Just to make sure the videos were especially horrible, Tyra herself appeared in each one with Keenan Cahill (apparently, he's an Internet sensation, but I'd never heard of him), lip-syncing to the songs and "dancing." Both wore outfits emblazoned with the "Pot Ledom." When Tyra thinks of something, she is fully unable to let it go.

Needless to say, the results were horrible, but strangely enticing at the same time. The final results showed that the majority of the episode's budget went towards an auto-tune machine. Granted, the songs and videos, aside from "pot ledom" and Tyra's cameos, weren't much worse than what's out there now. Allison ended up winning with the only song that managed to be slightly better than horrible. I would say that these girls should stick to their day jobs, but...

If you feel that you could sit through all of the videos, you can watch them here.

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