Tuesday, September 24, 2013

A Personal Post

I don't post much personal stuff on here, I try to keep it for one of my all-time loves, music, but something happened to me recently and I need to write it all down.

I fell in love this summer. I met this guy and he seemed perfect and showed himself to be everything that I could want in a partner. He even made me think he felt the same. He told me he felt more for me than his last girlfriend after only a couple of weeks, told me that he saw a future with me, that he saw everything with me.

We started seeing each other in early July, but in August, he asked to take a step back. He stated he he still felt emotionally zapped from his last relationship and that we may have jumped into things too quickly. He wanted to build a good friendship and let things progress from there. Despite saying all that, he maintained what he felt about me, still told me he saw a future with me, even told me once he looked at me and saw someone that he was more than friends with, and that it was a good thing. In the past six weeks or so since then, we've talked more and he never wavered from that thought.

In the past few weeks however, we had chatted less, in general. I had him call me a week ago to see if there might have been anything up, to make sure we were still on the same page. He indicated that we were, that nothing has changed. I told him that I wanted things to be really good between us, wanted that future to happen and he said that he did too.

Jump forward a couple of days and I'm out with a mutual friend of ours. I mention something about this guy and our relationship and she tells me that, about a month earlier, another friend of ours, a female friend, had told her that she had been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks. I texted him to confirm this and he did. He had been seeing this girl almost the entire time he had been telling me that he needed to step back from our relationship to build the friendship.

The next day, this new couple came to my apartment to talk about things (I asked them to). I learned several things from this discussion:
  1. They're serious
  2. He loves her
  3. He new he was leading me on
  4. He "never promised" me anything
  5. He knew when we started dating that he didn't see a future with me
  6. He's sorry
  7. He wants to be friends
  8. She knew nothing about us
Needless to say, I'm in a bad state right now. I'm confused as to how someone could do that to another person. I feel empty because I thought that, for the first time in my life, someone loved me and wanted to be with me and it was all a lie. I'm angry at him for deceiving me like this. I have no idea what to do at this point.

It's hard to reconcile everything. Of course, I feel betrayed. I hate him for doing this but I still love who I thought he was. My mom had to come down and get me on Sunday morning because I told her that I wanted to kill myself, and I did. That feeling has passed somewhat, but of course it still hurts so much. I start seeing a therapist on Thursday, I hope that begins to help. I've already learned that I have some of the best friends in the world who have been helping me through so far.

I'm a fragile person, but I hope that somehow I get through this, that I can learn to trust others and to trust myself again. I hope to be able to find love and to find it in someone who will be honest with me at every step.

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